I'm feeling blue . . . .

SO blue.

I am still unsure if I am failing my stupid zoology class, so until I get my test back it is a mystery. I mean I know I failed it but I am unsure if my teacher is going to give us a second try at it (without a second try I will fail this class.) 

Best case scenario here is how my final grades will go: Zoology -C

                                                                                       Art History -A

                                                                                       Environmental Geology -B

                                                                                       Philosophy -NO CLUE (B?)

That is a 3.0... very very very mediochre. It's like no matter how hard I try I just barely get by. Whether it is school related, money, sleep, workouts... I don't know. I guess lately I just feel like I can barely meet the mark on everything I do and it is quite depressing.

School is really hard and I am not sure how to improve myself because I am really trying, but I guess just try harder. I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing that I am struggling in only my first year of college. It's okay I suppose because I am still trying to get used to it all but this is also the easiest part of schooling, it will only get harder.. 

And I also really miss my friends, and honestly just anyone familiar. I am so happy to be away from everyone that I have been around growing up and I can finally breath but at the same time it is all such unfamiliar territory and I do not feel taken care of and it is a scary feeling. I am as comfortable as can be with myself but the human desire to be taken care of is just lingering within me. 

I want to take a shower and eat chocolate but I feel too sick to move. Sickness from worry and stress? I don't know.. I am considering retail therapy because of some online sales but at the same time I am so broke it isn't even funny. Ugh. What to do. What to do. 

Mehhhhhhhh,

-the sad one

take me somewhere cloudy

All I have had wanted for so long is for summer to hurry up and get here. All I have ever needed is the ocean. But let me tell you, right now I want nothing more than to hop on a plane and head to Europe, maybe London or Paris.. with the perfect man of my dreams and to have nothing to worry about but love and enjoying the adventure.

I literally think that once everything in my life comes together, something comes out of no where to screw it all up. I am so so thrilled to live the beach life, blessed even, but I don't want it right now. I want to be far from where I am an all the pressure and responsibility I have here.

Yesterday I walked into my class to find that we had a test.. one of our three tests that we have in the whole semester. It was completely my fault because I didn't double check but I was under the impression that the test was on Thursday.. And I know that Leaving only two days to study for a test that big doesn't sound like adequate enough time, but trust me.. I am a damn good crammer.

This is what I looked like in front of the whole class..

So long story short, myself and one other girl who thinks that she failed the test are in the process of begging our professor to give a retake. If he does not allow a retake then I will fail this class and not be able to transfer to the school of my dreams, so in the scheme of things this is a HUGE deal.

I am just so sick of little big things happening like this. Is this just what happens in life? Nothing ever going smoothly? I'm just sick of the roller coaster and I want off.

So for now I am just waiting to receive an email back from my professor with sick butterflies in my stomach. When I feel like this all I want to do is nothing.. but I have to muster up the strength to go do my marathon training for the day. Maybe it'll help clear my head?

I'm literally praying it will work out.. and it always does but I don't know how this one will go. Who knows.

And I am still sick over trying to figure out where I am going to stay for a couple weeks in the beginning of the summer.. I am not going home from school for the summer but my lease doesn't cross over perfectly so I am going to be homeless and I don't know what to do.. ahhhhh.

Oh well. I am so clearly not in control. Here's to working out! I really don't want to.. but I can't miss a day.

WOWO,
(worries and kisses)
-Me

Day One, check!

I ran my three miles for the day and it's not even 10am yet! I am starting my marathon training at the beginning of week two and so far I am on track! My goal is to never miss a workout and I believe it is possible. A while back when I ran my half marathon I committed to not missing a day of training and I was successful at it.

My checklist for the day:

homework

surfing

run errands

do laundry

go to class

study


It's only Monday and I know this week is going to suck a little. I have two huge tests, need to continue to figure out housing for next year, a bunch of work, and getting ready to face a baby fear of mine.. more on that later. But oh well, hard things build character.

And even though it is just Monday..

Have a happy day!

Book list, fitness goals, and small venting spree

I am creating a list of books that I need to read and here it is:

-Great Gatsby (half way through for the second time), Scott S. Fitzgerald
-The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis
-The Wedding, Nicholas Sparks
-To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
-Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky
-The Fault in Our Stars, John Green
-The Giver (to reread), Lewis Lower
-Fifty Shades of Grey, E.L. James
-Jesus Burgers, Jason Lomelino

..there are many other books I could keep adding to this list but I am going to start with these nine for now. That should be plentaaaayy.

I quickly learned that a very strict diet and moderate excersize isn't for me. I like to eat. Healthy? Yes I believe I make good decisions, but I like to eat a lot and I really love dessert. So with this I am going to continue to eat healthy and try to cut down where I can but meanwhile I am going to start marathon training. Yes marathon training. I have run a half marathon before but I am going to just go for the real thing. I have been putting training off for awhile because I wanted a friend to run it with me but I do not have any running buddies around me so all I have to say is solong to procrastination and hello to running. Here is the schedule that I am going to follow and I will update how it actually goes. I believe in myself because I truly do love running and I need a commitment like this that will leave me with fulfillment.

To be honest 26 weeks is a bit long for me but I really like the set up of this plan so lets see how it goes! I am actually very very exciting, I am going to stick to it this time and it is going to happen!

As for venting, I am going to keep it short and sweet and just say life is a struggle and so are relationships. I currently am so disapointed by my family (what is new?), annoyed with my friends, and sadly..well.. lonely. Anyways, I shouldn't even be complaining. I do love my life and all the imperfection that comes with it but I am just really exhausted from the daily struggles of it all.. for now, night night.

Praying for Boston

I cannot get over the bombings in Boston.. my thoughts and prayers have been with family and friends of those effected by the blasts, the city of Boston, state of Massachusetts, and our whole nation and those who lead us. I am at such a loss for how I should even feel, a lot so because I am full of confusion and wonder..

AND then the plant explosions in Texas.. similar to a nuclear bomb explosion?! I'm praying that it was just an accident and officials treating it as a crime is just protocol.

It's times like these that make me question everything a little more.. It also saddens me how untouched the rest of the country is. Besides there being talk of this tragedy, it would never be known that our country has been attacked.

I. Am. Exhausted.

You would think that ten hours of sleep and a two hour nap would make me feel alive, but nope. I know that when you get too much sleep it makes you feel groggy but this isn't the case for me. I am so exhausted and I know it is purely from stress. 

This pretty much sums up my week. I have been trying so hard to be calm and joyful but the stresses of life has left me alone with the muggles. It is the strangest feeling being 100% alone. I am financially dependent on myself, and this freaks me out. Another thing that freaks me out is that I am so far away from "home" yet there is nothing left for me there. So in this case I just have to remind myself that home is where the ocean is. Because if it is not at the ocean, I don't know where it is. 

Lastly, because of the muggles, I have eaten so much chocolate today and maybe some pie and ice cream... so I'm curious to see if I have made any progress this week when I weigh in tomorrow morning. I sure hope I have.

Maybe I will be little frolicking leaper over here on the left and all my fat will be magically gone. But I have my doubts. Anyways, progress will be posted tomorrow. But until then... I'm off.

XOXO,

Me

Dear Diary,

Still figuring my life out over here.. Questions for the day I ask myself:

-Why must a part time job demand so much stress from me?
-Where the hell am I going to be next year?
-How do I pay next year's leases down payment?
-Why don't I like my parents?
-Why don't I like my brothers?
-Why do I miss my sister?
-Why is it so hard to remain close with your best friends from home?
-If I died would the world be any different?

Ugghhh...

The good news is it is day two of my health frenzy and I am feeling good. I am going to start weighing in every Friday with updates and progress pictures to keep myself motivated. Gotta get that summer bod!

Despite the questions I have for myself I am working on the whole happiness thing. I choose happiness and am seeking pure joy because I am too blessed not to.

Until next time,
Me

Popping my blogging cherry

So this is what it is like to blog.. I have never been one for journaling but I have been feeling a pull to have an outlet for all the explosions of thoughts in my head so I thought since I'm always on other people's blogs, why not have one of my own.

Today's goal for myself is to take this day as my own and embrace the inner zen that is struggling to break through the loud confusion in my head.

Today's agenda: skip class and create blog, plan out my future (something I have been avoiding), class, run, class, meet my husband.. (I mean maybe?), dinner, study, sleep. Tuesday's aren't my favorite.

Here are some things that are going to get me through the day...

:: The ocean. Always the ocean. ::

:: Daydreaming about beautiful men ::

:: Running and striving to look like her. PS today is day 1 of my fitness frenzy ::

:: A good meme will always help me when I'm in need ::

:: Along with everything else I aspire to do, strengthening my faith needs to be my number one ::