traveling is medicine for the soul

Before I have to check back into reality, I am going to reminisce for a moment about my new loves. My new loves being San Francisco and Pacific Coast Hwy.

This weekend myself and one of my besties road tripped up the coast to SF to visit some other friends and had too wonderful of a time. Between window shopping on Haitght, eating in the mission district, and exploring the Embarcadero, part of my heart has been left up in Nor Cal. I have always been a little bit of a hater (for lack of a better term), when in comes to Northern California verses Southern California, (so cal being way better) but there is definitely something very special about Northern California. It was beautiful and all I want to do is continue on traveling!

Here are a couple pics of the golden gate bridge. I wish I had taken some better ones!

And holy cow! Despite the gloomy day, Big Sur is the most beautiful area I have ever seen in my life!

The best thing realized this whole trip is that life and the world is so much larger than my problems and it was just so refreshing to get out of my immediate stress zone and see things I have never seen before. 

Three weeks till Hawaii! And I will be here!

Hmmm..

So I was having a moment. About five minutes ago. I was about to start typing up a post about how hard life is and how I am really not sure of how things are going to turn out and I bet it's not going to be good.. but then I read a post that was on my feed, one that I needed to read. To sum it up, Ainsley (the blogger) was talking about how last month she was full of worry that she couldn't control and her resolution for May is to continually remember who is in charge.

Although this post of hers didn't take away the throbbing in my head or the tightness in my chest, it did make me stop and think that everything works out..

It's almost like He is pulling apart little things in my life to just keep me on my toes and I am not sure why He does it more to me that to other people, because even though everyone is going through their own struggles, not everyone has problems as big as some. So with that I guess there is a purpose to the problems in my life and I am not going to feel sorry for myself but instead I am going to expect that there is a reason and purpose and that everything will come together.

Lets see how it all turns out . . .

XOXO

PS here is a funny for the day. To cheer myself and anyone else up a little.

always a flippin shipwreck

Honestly why do I never have anything together? Yeaa.. so my zoology test that I completely failed I got back today... a 10%.. yepp. thats right. Ten percent. So it's safe to say that I am going to fail this class considering it is one of three of the tests that we have in that class. I hate school. I don't want to hate learning but I do.

All I need is some encouraging right now by someone that loves me.. but honestly I don't even know who that would be. I have lost so much respect by so many adults in my life right now and I don't even consider myself to have a relationship with my mom. Nor do I know if we'll ever be close again. It just all sucks. I may be exaggerating a little, but I feel like an orphan. My father is not in my life and my mom lost all my trust nor do I have financial support from either of them so it's more like I just have DNA donors out there that happen to have given me life. 

My head just hurts so much right now I can't even sleep. Everything is just so uncertain in my life. I am flat broke nor do I have credit so I am not sure how I am going to make rent this summer, eat, pay for car insurance and gas, or pay for summer classes. I have also come to terms with the fact that I believe I have ADD but I can't go in to get evaluated because I have no health insurance. I have never wanted to admit to myself that I really could have ADD because I hate the idea that it limits jobs, I would have to rely on drugs to make me "normal," and I want to be nothing like my brother but it has gotten to the point where I see it affecting my school and work so it is time that I go in and get myself checked out.. but I will be waiting on health insurance before any of this happens.

I also feel like my relationships are all out of wack. My close friends from home and I are really not even all that close anymore. My one best friend up here I love to death but she complains a lot, and call me judgmental but her problems aren't even all that bad. Maybe I am being jealous of her problems when they are just as hard as mine, but I really don't think I would mind swapping hardships with her. And then it is really hard to make new good friends and I am not sure why. I guess that's what makes good friends so special. 

Right now I just feel like my heart and mind are exploding with memories and feelings from the past that I will never choose to talk about and usually I can handle holding onto everything because I am really strong but when things are out of place I start to feel like I am falling apart.

Also my relationship with God sucks right now. I still know he is there and I believe what I have always believed but when I cannot see Him and feel Him in my life it is really hard to trust that He is taking care of things.. 

So anyways.. here's to going to San Francisco for the weekend when I don't have the money to do so. Here's to failing my first college class. Here's to shitty family. Here's to headaches and belly aches. Here's to having too much to do and skipping your marathon workout. Here's to ex best friends. Here's to secrets and dark pasts. Here's to ADD. Here's to no health insurance. Here's to the struggle. And here's to hope. It has to get better..

Goodnight to all.

And to all a goodnight,

XOXO

-Me

I'm feeling blue . . . .

SO blue.

I am still unsure if I am failing my stupid zoology class, so until I get my test back it is a mystery. I mean I know I failed it but I am unsure if my teacher is going to give us a second try at it (without a second try I will fail this class.) 

Best case scenario here is how my final grades will go: Zoology -C

                                                                                       Art History -A

                                                                                       Environmental Geology -B

                                                                                       Philosophy -NO CLUE (B?)

That is a 3.0... very very very mediochre. It's like no matter how hard I try I just barely get by. Whether it is school related, money, sleep, workouts... I don't know. I guess lately I just feel like I can barely meet the mark on everything I do and it is quite depressing.

School is really hard and I am not sure how to improve myself because I am really trying, but I guess just try harder. I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing that I am struggling in only my first year of college. It's okay I suppose because I am still trying to get used to it all but this is also the easiest part of schooling, it will only get harder.. 

And I also really miss my friends, and honestly just anyone familiar. I am so happy to be away from everyone that I have been around growing up and I can finally breath but at the same time it is all such unfamiliar territory and I do not feel taken care of and it is a scary feeling. I am as comfortable as can be with myself but the human desire to be taken care of is just lingering within me. 

I want to take a shower and eat chocolate but I feel too sick to move. Sickness from worry and stress? I don't know.. I am considering retail therapy because of some online sales but at the same time I am so broke it isn't even funny. Ugh. What to do. What to do. 

Mehhhhhhhh,

-the sad one

take me somewhere cloudy

All I have had wanted for so long is for summer to hurry up and get here. All I have ever needed is the ocean. But let me tell you, right now I want nothing more than to hop on a plane and head to Europe, maybe London or Paris.. with the perfect man of my dreams and to have nothing to worry about but love and enjoying the adventure.

I literally think that once everything in my life comes together, something comes out of no where to screw it all up. I am so so thrilled to live the beach life, blessed even, but I don't want it right now. I want to be far from where I am an all the pressure and responsibility I have here.

Yesterday I walked into my class to find that we had a test.. one of our three tests that we have in the whole semester. It was completely my fault because I didn't double check but I was under the impression that the test was on Thursday.. And I know that Leaving only two days to study for a test that big doesn't sound like adequate enough time, but trust me.. I am a damn good crammer.

This is what I looked like in front of the whole class..

So long story short, myself and one other girl who thinks that she failed the test are in the process of begging our professor to give a retake. If he does not allow a retake then I will fail this class and not be able to transfer to the school of my dreams, so in the scheme of things this is a HUGE deal.

I am just so sick of little big things happening like this. Is this just what happens in life? Nothing ever going smoothly? I'm just sick of the roller coaster and I want off.

So for now I am just waiting to receive an email back from my professor with sick butterflies in my stomach. When I feel like this all I want to do is nothing.. but I have to muster up the strength to go do my marathon training for the day. Maybe it'll help clear my head?

I'm literally praying it will work out.. and it always does but I don't know how this one will go. Who knows.

And I am still sick over trying to figure out where I am going to stay for a couple weeks in the beginning of the summer.. I am not going home from school for the summer but my lease doesn't cross over perfectly so I am going to be homeless and I don't know what to do.. ahhhhh.

Oh well. I am so clearly not in control. Here's to working out! I really don't want to.. but I can't miss a day.

WOWO,
(worries and kisses)
-Me

Day One, check!

I ran my three miles for the day and it's not even 10am yet! I am starting my marathon training at the beginning of week two and so far I am on track! My goal is to never miss a workout and I believe it is possible. A while back when I ran my half marathon I committed to not missing a day of training and I was successful at it.

My checklist for the day:

homework

surfing

run errands

do laundry

go to class

study


It's only Monday and I know this week is going to suck a little. I have two huge tests, need to continue to figure out housing for next year, a bunch of work, and getting ready to face a baby fear of mine.. more on that later. But oh well, hard things build character.

And even though it is just Monday..

Have a happy day!

Book list, fitness goals, and small venting spree

I am creating a list of books that I need to read and here it is:

-Great Gatsby (half way through for the second time), Scott S. Fitzgerald
-The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis
-The Wedding, Nicholas Sparks
-To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
-Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky
-The Fault in Our Stars, John Green
-The Giver (to reread), Lewis Lower
-Fifty Shades of Grey, E.L. James
-Jesus Burgers, Jason Lomelino

..there are many other books I could keep adding to this list but I am going to start with these nine for now. That should be plentaaaayy.

I quickly learned that a very strict diet and moderate excersize isn't for me. I like to eat. Healthy? Yes I believe I make good decisions, but I like to eat a lot and I really love dessert. So with this I am going to continue to eat healthy and try to cut down where I can but meanwhile I am going to start marathon training. Yes marathon training. I have run a half marathon before but I am going to just go for the real thing. I have been putting training off for awhile because I wanted a friend to run it with me but I do not have any running buddies around me so all I have to say is solong to procrastination and hello to running. Here is the schedule that I am going to follow and I will update how it actually goes. I believe in myself because I truly do love running and I need a commitment like this that will leave me with fulfillment.

To be honest 26 weeks is a bit long for me but I really like the set up of this plan so lets see how it goes! I am actually very very exciting, I am going to stick to it this time and it is going to happen!

As for venting, I am going to keep it short and sweet and just say life is a struggle and so are relationships. I currently am so disapointed by my family (what is new?), annoyed with my friends, and sadly..well.. lonely. Anyways, I shouldn't even be complaining. I do love my life and all the imperfection that comes with it but I am just really exhausted from the daily struggles of it all.. for now, night night.