All I need is some encouraging right now by someone that loves me.. but honestly I don't even know who that would be. I have lost so much respect by so many adults in my life right now and I don't even consider myself to have a relationship with my mom. Nor do I know if we'll ever be close again. It just all sucks. I may be exaggerating a little, but I feel like an orphan. My father is not in my life and my mom lost all my trust nor do I have financial support from either of them so it's more like I just have DNA donors out there that happen to have given me life.
My head just hurts so much right now I can't even sleep. Everything is just so uncertain in my life. I am flat broke nor do I have credit so I am not sure how I am going to make rent this summer, eat, pay for car insurance and gas, or pay for summer classes. I have also come to terms with the fact that I believe I have ADD but I can't go in to get evaluated because I have no health insurance. I have never wanted to admit to myself that I really could have ADD because I hate the idea that it limits jobs, I would have to rely on drugs to make me "normal," and I want to be nothing like my brother but it has gotten to the point where I see it affecting my school and work so it is time that I go in and get myself checked out.. but I will be waiting on health insurance before any of this happens.
I also feel like my relationships are all out of wack. My close friends from home and I are really not even all that close anymore. My one best friend up here I love to death but she complains a lot, and call me judgmental but her problems aren't even all that bad. Maybe I am being jealous of her problems when they are just as hard as mine, but I really don't think I would mind swapping hardships with her. And then it is really hard to make new good friends and I am not sure why. I guess that's what makes good friends so special.
Right now I just feel like my heart and mind are exploding with memories and feelings from the past that I will never choose to talk about and usually I can handle holding onto everything because I am really strong but when things are out of place I start to feel like I am falling apart.
Also my relationship with God sucks right now. I still know he is there and I believe what I have always believed but when I cannot see Him and feel Him in my life it is really hard to trust that He is taking care of things..
So anyways.. here's to going to San Francisco for the weekend when I don't have the money to do so. Here's to failing my first college class. Here's to shitty family. Here's to headaches and belly aches. Here's to having too much to do and skipping your marathon workout. Here's to ex best friends. Here's to secrets and dark pasts. Here's to ADD. Here's to no health insurance. Here's to the struggle. And here's to hope. It has to get better..
Goodnight to all.
And to all a goodnight,
XOXO
-Me
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